Infidelity and Affairs: Can Couples Counselling in Malaysia Help You Heal?
Sarah had been noticing signs of Adam’s disengagement at home for some time now. How he is frequently on the phone instead of engaging in conversation. How he smiles while texting like during the honeymoon phase. How he has been busy at work till late hours. In the past 5 months, she kept telling herself that “Perhaps I’m just thinking too much.”, “I should learn to trust him more.”, “I’m being too insecure.”
One night, unable to quiet her doubts any longer, Sarah unlocked Adam's phone, and found unexpected text messages between him and another woman. When she saw the messages, her heart sank to the floor. In that moment, everything she thought she knew about their relationship started crumbling.
Often, what follows the discovery of an affair is a sense of shock for the hurt partner, though perhaps words can't quite capture the emotional state. Uncertainty begins to surface, and the questions start to arise. “What else had taken place that I did not know about?”
For the partner who had the affair, you may find yourself denying what had happened. Or perhaps you decided to come clean. Either way, you wonder, how did I even end up here? And what remains in the background, perhaps, is a certain heaviness that continues to linger.
If you're based in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur, or anywhere in Malaysia and finding yourself in a similar situation, searching for couples counselling to help you work through experiences with infidelity - I want you to know that you do not have to go through this alone.
Let’s start by making sense of what an affair does to each of you, and to the bond between you.
An Attachment Injury
From an attachment perspective, infidelity can be seen as an “injury” or “rupture” that has taken place in the relationship. Think of it as a “snap” that has taken place in the trusting bond between two partners. When this happens, the fundamental trust in the relationship is now in jeopardy.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Dr. Sue Johnson, she highlights how in relationships, we carry a deep need to know that we matter to the other person, that they care, and will be there for us when we need them. An affair strikes hard exactly at this point.
For the hurt partner, the aftermath brings up experiences that can sometimes feel and look like trauma - intrusive thoughts, constant checking, and feeling unsafe. It may feel like you can never trust again.
For the partner who caused the hurt, the experience is painful in its own way. They may struggle with guilt, shame, and self-blame about how they have hurt their partner. They may be caught in a confusion they cannot explain, unable to make sense of how they arrived at the choices they made.
What often follows is a painfully predictable cycle.
The hurt partner, desperate to restore safety and certainty, becomes vigilant - obsessively asking, checking, pressing for details, lashing out in anger while the other partner, flooded with guilt, shame and fear of causing more damage, proceeds to avoid, deny or minimize what has happened. In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we call this the pursuer-withdrawer cycle, and it tends to intensify dramatically after the discovery of an affair. The more one “pursues”, the more the other “retreats”, which leads to repeated, painful escalations.
Neither experience is easy. If you recognise yourselves in this, please know you are not broken people who are behaving badly. You are two distressed people caught in a cycle that feeds itself. It can be hard to escape this cycle, which is where counselling with a trained professional can help.
"Is it even worth trying?"
This is the question that many couples arrive with.
Having worked with couples and individuals navigating the impacts of affairs, I find that people come to different conclusions after an affair has happened.
There are couples who decide that they do not have it in them anymore to repair the broken trust and heal the hurt. They may end up choosing to leave, because that is the only path that feels conceivable to them.
Some, understandably, hope to put it behind them and move forward without revisiting the pain. While this wish makes complete sense, the things left unspoken can sometimes continue to weigh quietly on the relationship. The couple may then find themselves seeking support later, when the distance between them has already widened.
And many of the couples I work with are people who are struggling with the emotional weight that comes after the discovery, but are still looking to rebuild safety and find healing, whether it be for the love they still hold for each other, for the children, or both.
What Affair Recovery Work with me looks like
If you are considering working through post-affair recovery as a couple, there are a few broad phases that we will move through together.
Stabilisation. Early sessions are about safety and stabilising the bleeding. It helps you both to recognize and escape the disruptive cycle that has taken hold. We will hold space for the overwhelming emotions, and learn to escape this cycle.
Re-establishing trust. Trust is built within the relationship itself, and both partners have a part to play in this. Transparency from the partner who had the affair matters; and no less important are the hurt partner's efforts to manage their own reactivity and set some limits on how much detail they choose to take in.
Healing & Rebuilding. Together we will make sense of what happened and what it has done to the bond. This is not to assign blame, but so the hurt partner's pain can be fully heard and the other partner can truly grasp its impact. This is where the real healing begins, and where the foundation of emotional security and connection can be rebuilt.
Consolidation & Learnings. I often find that as we make sense of the story of what has happened and how it was overcome, couples recognize how they have managed to come out stronger as a team, having gone through the hurdle of working through the affair together. This translates into hope and strength that becomes a positive foundation for the couple’s journey forward.
Can I attend individual counselling to work through post-infidelity recovery?
Where possible, I would encourage you to come in for counselling as a couple. As the hurt has taken place in the context of your relationship, my view is that the most effective way to heal would be through the relationship itself.
That said, I can still support you through individual counselling if couple counselling is not a possible option for you, regardless which side you find yourself on in this experience. The focus here would be more on you: your own emotional experiences and helping you to show up as your best self, whatever the relationship’s future holds.
Figure out your next step with me
If you resonate with the way that I work with partners and individuals to heal from affairs and would like to find out more, you are most welcome to take the next step in reaching out.
I’m Han Yang, a registered counsellor based in Ara Damansara, Petaling Jaya, providing relationship and couples counselling. If you’re considering affair recovery, the recommended next step is to book a 30-minute online consultation with me. During the consultation, we can talk about where you are right now and how we can work together to best meet your needs.
